They say he will get worse with his demands when we move in together. In fact, they say he is a ‘control freak’. He says he will get better.

We met at a party and arranged to go on a date but when he met me at my door he looked taken aback and said, ‘Will you change your shoes? I don’t like stilettos’. I immediately changed into ‘flatties’. We had a lovely evening.

About a month later we were sitting in the car and he tenderly brushed my hair saying, ‘Do you have to wear your hair in a ponytail? I cannot STAND ponytails!’ He doesn’t always say he doesn’t like something. Instead, he will say something like ‘ You look beautiful in that red dress but it is a pity it is so tight’?

I realise I do change to suit his wants but in between his remarks he is a very nice person. What do you think? Should I look for someone else?

We think your friends may be correct. He certainly appears to be attempting to control you.

You need to step back and think about  this. We would suggest that next time he wants you to change some piece of clothing just say for instance, ‘I like ponytails!’ or ‘No, I prefer stilettos!’ And see what is his reaction.  If he becomes moody or offhand we would suggest you end the relationship.

Some of our worst cases of domestic violence begin with behaviour as you describe.

The Manning River Times presents a series of letters under the title ‘Ask the aunties’, focusing on potential scenarios that could lead to domestic violence. While the letters are imaginary, the problems are real for many women.

To seek help, phone 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732); Lifeline 13 11 14 or the police 000.

Some signs of abuse can include: unfairly and regularly accuses her of flirting or being unfaithful; controls how she spends money; decides what she wears or eats; humiliates her in front of other people; monitors what she is doing, including reading her emails and text messages; discourages or prevents her from seeing friends and family; threatens to hurt her, the children or pets; physically assaults her (hitting, biting, slapping, kicking, pushing); yells at her; threatens to use a weapon against her; decides what she uses for birth control; forces her to have an abortion or to continue a pregnancy; constantly compares her with other people; constantly criticises her intelligence, mental health and appearance; prevents her from practising her religion.