Subscribe now for unlimited access.

$0/

(min cost $0)

or signup to continue reading

We’ve been giving this subject some consideration in recent weeks given the turbulent times in the media industry. So we’ve penned the letter to a prospective employer and we’re hoping for a favourable response:

Dear Buckingham Palace

As a loyal subject of the crown, we hereby offer our services to replace the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Phillip in his official duties.

This writer was both dismayed and shocked when we heard that the prince was stepping aside. Still, at 95 and with a lifetime of devoted service to the British Empire he does deserve a rest. (Note we still prefer ‘empire’. Those nasty republicans would have changed the title to Commonwealth. How, well, common).

So in the interests of the Royal Family we (and note, we already use the Royal ‘we’) humbly offer our services as a replacement for all public engagements.

Our credentials are impeccable. We’ve been a monarchist for as long as we can recall. Why, we remember standing proudly to attention at the cinema as a young boy when the Queen was featured before the start of the movie, as was the custom then. This resulted in us being pelted by jaffas by fellow-theatre goers followed by insults when we refused to sit down, even after the movie had started. They were a rough lot at the Saturday matinee back in the late 1960s.

Our current idols are fellow monarchists and conservatives, John Howard and Tony Abbott – both well known to Buckingham Palace. We are a card carrying member of the Australians for a Constitutional Monarchy (AFACM) and a founding member of the right wing think tank Conservatives Unite Now Together (CU… in retrospect we better think about a new name for that one).

So it is obvious we’re a perfect fit to fill-in for the Prince.

Our current employer is extremely amenable to the prospect of us having to take lengthy absences while we undertake important Royal duties.

“Go… take as long as you like… oh happy days,’’ our editor beamed when we ran the idea past her (she is possibly a communist and certainly a republican).

We fully understand that we will need training for our new role.

As such we’ll be obliged to undertake a Royal tour of one of those minor nations, so a couple of weeks in the Bahamas would be a suitable start. Perhaps Buckingham Palace might consider sending a suitable consort. Pippa Middleton quickly springs to mind.