GOGGLE eyed with excitement young colleague, the alliterated Lachie Leeming jetted to Europe for a month's sabbatical last weekend.
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He hails from Parkes. Now he's probably sipping coffee in Paris.
About 200 years ago when this correspondent was his age, we ventured to Europe, primarily to sample the cultural smorgasbord that is Oktoberfest in Munich. So we thought it prudent to give young Lachie some sage words of advice before he left. They being:
o If you've seen one castle/cathedral you've seen them all: Yes, we know they were built in the Middle Ages and have survived fire, floods, two world wars and the Thatcher years. And saints or famous politicians are buried there. Lady Di was possibly married there. But in the end they're just big churches. Castles are even more boring. Tour one, that's plenty, for there's no shortage of historic pubs in England to frequent.
o Being Australian doesn't make you windswept and interesting: Australians have been heading overseas for eons. No-one is going to be excited about meeting one more, particularly if there's alcohol involved, as is always the case. So 'hi, I'm from Australia' isn't a good pick-up line. Or at least it wasn't in the 1980s.
o Scotland is pretty: Or at least the Scottish highlands are. Loch Ness is also a must-see. But under no circumstances attempt to go swimming in Loch Ness for it's a cold and foreboding place. This correspondent has seen the results of such a foolhardy adventure. It wasn't pretty.
o Getting lost is fun: We (being this correspondent and our travel companions) didn't have a clue where we were while traversing around Europe. Belgium? France? Italy? They all looked the same. On one occasion it took us half a day just to get out of Innsbruck, which is in Germany, or Austria, or somewhere. It's all part of the experience. Contiki Tours are for wimps (actually, we think Lachie might be on a Contiki Tour as we speak. The wimp.)
o Don't tell Greek taxi drivers you're from Australia: Every Greek taxi driver has a aunt/uncle/brother/sister/cousin who has moved to Australia - usually Melbourne. They'll invariably ask if you know them then detail what a great success story they are, while driving around in circles and bulking up the fare. Tell them you're from New Zealand. No-one moves there.
o The Acropolis is a spectacular sight at night. It's a must see in Athens. However, it's not-so-spectacular during the day. If you want to see a building crumbling into disrepair, go out to Chatham and look at Peter's Creameries.
o Don't take photos. Now, under normal circumstances we'd say take as many photos as you like, because with modern technology, any buffoon can click a camera and get a result. But photography is a pretty delicate subject around here at the moment, so we say, don't take photos, leave it to the experts, who will do a professional job.
o Don't take short cuts: It was this correspondent's idea back in 1989 to veer off the main road, as we suggested another route would be quicker. We stumbled on the Village of the Damned inhabited by heavy set people with leathery skin, massive jowls and big bushy eyebrows. And they were the teenagers. Getting lost is fun, but this was frightening.
o Finally, if you happen to be in a bar in Athens talking to an English woman who says she's in her 50s and a grandmother, well, she probably is. We think we'll leave that one on tour.