THERE'S a void in our life. We're an outcast. No matter how hard we try, we just can't fit in.
It's depressing really. We're possibly a pariah. Cronulla Sharks supporters must feel like this every day.
We're not an expert on conducting surveys like say, the Member for Lyne, however, from what we can glean we're possibly the only person in the western world who has never watched an episode of Game of Thrones.
We would like to give a brief synopsis here on what Game of Thrones is all about. But we can't. Mainly because we've never seen the thing.
Now we could cheat and look it up on wikepedia. But we won't for this column has a hard earned reputation for only addressing subjects we know something about.
As we understand it, Game of Thrones is shown on one of the myriad of channels on Pay TV. This correspondent has Pay TV but apparently we don't get the channel that features Game of Thrones. To get it we'd have to pay even more for Pay TV. Nothing is fair in life. Absolutely nothing.
For it seems that we can't go anywhere without someone talking about Game of Thrones. This workplace for one is positively abuzz the morning after a Game of Thrones episode. It dominates conversation, sidelining us even more than usual.
The latest series has ended, or so we're told. But now they're showing repeats and even though the Game of Thrones junkies have seen it all before, they're still tuning in.
And still talking about the bloody thing. We say bloody thing because we understand the series is particularly violent. Or so we've been told.
The Game of Throners were babbling on enthusiastically the other day when we decided to inject a bit of intellectual conversion into the discourse.
"Good game of Monday night footy last night,'' we reported.
This was initially greeted by silence.
"Who won?'' one finally asked.
"Who cares,'' said another as talk quickly returned to what Tyrion, Arya and Joffey et al were up to the previous evening.
The whole thing became embarrassing when we had a work experience kid here. Under normal circumstances work experience kids say nothing while spending the week going on jobs with our photographers and journalists, typing up the bridge club results, doing the coffee round and teaching this correspondent how to use a computer.
("A good start is to turn it on,'' they say with an air of superiority. Bring back national service we say, but we're drifting off the point here.)
However this work experience kid was Game of Thrones-savvy. Workplace conversation was centred on what happened with Bran at the weirwood and he gleefully joined in, much to the delight of the other Game of Thrones aficionados.
So if we're going to rejoin society we may have to start watching Game of Thrones. We're just not sure how to do this. Editor Bell triumphantly told us that she has the series on blu-ray and we would have been immediately impressed had we any idea what blu-ray is. We suppose we could just get the relevant channel added to our Pay TV portfolio. But that's going to cost money.
Maybe we should ask the company for a pay rise, explaining that if we can't watch Game of Thrones our place in the work force could be in jeopardy. But we already know what the answer to that will be.
We wonder what The Mountain would do in a situation like this?
(For the only other person in the western world who doesn't know who or what The Mountain is, he/she/it is in Game of Thrones. Apparently. Someone had to tell us this because we've never seen Game of Thrones. We've perhaps mentioned this.)