Starting with a reminder of happier times, when Jules spent her days throwing food and high-fiving people instead of discovering mysterious notes in her pants, we move to the Mornington Peninsula, known far and wide as the Barossa for people who don’t want to be murdered. Coming up the hill the contestants find the judges standing beside some Alfa Romeos, which they call “cars”, though the advertising campaign indicates otherwise. The contestants are very keen to drive these Alfa Romeos, and they let us known that they are very keen to drive them. They are in a near-climactic state of keenness to drive them. Driving them is certainly what they want to do, if what they say is any guide.

Matt explains that they will be split into teams, who will then drive to three different checkpoints, and perform a task at each checkpoint. The winner of the challenge will gain access to a special ingredient, while the loser may be eliminated from the race, unless Phil tells them that it is a non-elimination leg and they can continue on to tomorrow, when they will fly to Thailand on the next leg of The Amazing Race.

At this point Rishi breaks in to tell us that he really wants to drive those cars.

George announces that they will be making club sandwiches for members of the Alfa Romeo Car Club, which is a weird name because from the information I have received, Alfa Romeos are not cars. Lucy is all aflutter – she has never seen an Alfa Romeo driver, and doesn’t know what they look like. “Do they like club sandwiches?” she giggles, apparently under the impression that Alfa Romeos are driven by some kind of super-intelligent space-rodent or sentient vegetable. We’re not even to the top ten yet: if this is the level the banter has descended to, we may be in trouble.

Matt tells them that they need to make their club sandwiches delicious – patently untrue, as all they need is to make them slightly better than whoever is the worst – because the club members are “as passionate about food as they are about cars”. This, even by Masterchef standards, is an absolutely colossal and transparent lie.

Christina and Daniel are made team captains. Christina hates it, but Daniel loves it because he gets to exchange sexy smiles with Lynton. Noelene is chosen last because haha, as if I even need to finish this sentence.

Kelty is in the car with Samira and Vern. Samira is driving, Vern is navigating, and Kelty is proud of himself for figuring out how the seatbelt works.

The first task is grape-crushing. Lucy has always wanted to do this, because she is the sort of person who asks whether car club members like club sandwiches and then laughs. Not only that, but her feet are enormous, so Daniel selects her as one of the grape stompers. The size of Lucy’s feet is obviously well-known to the entire cast. Christina chooses Kelty to stomp grapes with her. Kelty thinks this is because of his own massive clodhoppers, but actually it is because Christina hopes he will catch a foot disease.

At this point Emma says something, but god only knows what.

Lucy and Lynton are the best grape-stompers, and so the blue team gets to choose their bread. “Obviously we choose the sourdough,” says Lucy, and I guess that’s fine. Whatever.

On to the next checkpoint, or in Samira’s mind, on to wherever she happens to end up after she turns the wrong way and goes hurtling off into the countryside. Christina says she could strangle Samira if she was in front of her, and to be fair maybe it’s Christina’s homicidal tendencies that sparked Samira’s decision to flee in the first place.

Christina, Rishi and Noelene manage to stop Samira’s car and turn them around, Rishi overtakes Samira because he can’t trust her now he knows she’s capable of wrong decisions, and Rishi has never made a wrong decision in his life so he knows it’s safe. However, of course it was Vern the navigator who told Samira to turn the wrong way. “Whatever happened to men being able to read maps?” fumes Noelene, adding sexism to her many charms. As always, of course, it’s all Kelty’s fault.

The blue team arrive at the omelette challenge, but the red team are a little behind, because of Samira’s wrong turn and also because Rishi, who does not make wrong decisions, is now completely lost. Just before they drive into the Tasman sea, the red team decides to stop and ask for directions from a terrified householder who, seeing the aprons and fearing they’re there to steal his kitchen utensils, gives them all the information he wants.

As the red team gradually approaches the destination, the blue team finishes the omelette challenge and takes some chicken. They’re way ahead, but of course there’s still a roadblock to come, and who knows what will happen at the airport?

Meanwhile, the red team is still on the road, somewhere in north Queensland. They come to a dead end, not just on the road, but in terms of their life goals. It’s a sobering moment for the contestants, who wonder how they can ever be taken seriously as professional cooks if they can’t read maps.

As the blue team head to the goat-milking challenge and the red team get more directions from a farmer on the south island of New Zealand, Emma makes some more noises.

Having read that they are on their way to milk goats, the blue teammates find themselves astounded by the presence of goats. Whoever gets 500ml of goat’s milk first gets the chance to select their potatoes, and it seems likely this will be the blue team, not only because the red team has only just arrived at the omelette challenge and will most likely end up in Japan before the day is out, but because Emma’s milking technique, coupled with Lynton’s disturbingly erotic ability to keep a goat in a state of blissful serenity, is a huge success. I wish I was that goat.

Vern makes his omelette, gaining the red team the opportunity to select the turkey which is the only thing left. Gary enjoys Vern’s omelette. “You know what’s missing, don’t you? You still being here,” says Gary cryptically and/or drunkenly.

As the red team hit the road and immediately begin discussing which direction they have to go – just how much weed did these guys smoke before today’s episode? – the blue team arrive back at the Red Hill estate to make some sandwiches: sandwich-making being the second element of gourmet cookery along with driving around the country.

The red team has more trouble with the goat, because instead of Lynton’s loving hands and soothing voice, they have Rishi, and as everyone knows, goats can smell arrogance.

The blue team is happily making sandwiches, and also wondering idly about where the red team is. For all they know, the red team have all been killed and left in a ditch, but they’re not letting it worry them too much.

Back on the goat farm, George is giving instructions on how to soothe a restless goat, demonstrating by committing indecent assault on Kelty. As Rishi scratches the goat, Noelene milks at a remarkable speed, by imagining that the teats are her ex-husbands’ throats. And so, having gained access to the crappy potatoes that they don’t want, the red team is off to prepare sandwiches in an inadequate amount of time.

Emma is making some chips. She says something about chips, but that’s really the only word I can make out.

Finally the red team pull up at the estate in their Alfa Romeos (new slogan: “A great car to get hopelessly lost in the woods in”), and Christina assigns her team to their tasks. Vern lets us know that they are making “our own take on a classic club sandwich”, which is Masterchef-code for “making a complete effing mess of a classic club sandwich”.

The blue team has troubles of its own: its chicken isn’t cooked. Lucy says this is because the deep fryer is too hot. God cooking is confusing.

Samira, meanwhile, is fine with the turkey, which is currently being massaged by Christina, before being placed into a bath. As all the great chefs say, if you can’t cook your meat, at least show it a good time. The red team, in fact, is working well, except for Vern, who in Christina’s words is “being Vern”. Has there ever been such a foul accusation thrown on Australian television?

As both teams rush to finish their sandwiches, the Alfa Romeos arrives. They look like cars to me, but I’m no expert. The sight of the cars really hammers home the enormity of the task in front of the contestants: if anyone knows sandwiches, it’s people who own cars. George emphasises this point with an incredibly idiotic metaphor.

With fifteen minutes to go, the chicken is done. Emma’s chips are going mental, and she illustrates this by going mental. On the red team it’s time to start assembling the sandwiches, and Christina is really, really happy. The sandwiches have been assembled, and they have overcome the seemingly intractable obstacle of Vern’s Vernness.

The red team arrived last, but has finished first. Kelty thinks this says something about the way they worked together, but then again, every time Kelty talks he says something about the sort of person he is.

The red team might have won over the car-owners by serving first, but the blue team have unleashed their secret weapon: Lynton’s face. Also Emma’s mental chips are “amazing”. Or maybe she said “a mayonnaise”. Or “ambulance”. I’m not really sure.

The judges taste. George loves the blue team’s tomatoes. Gary loves the red team’s vegetable chips, which seems kind of lame. Matt has his own opinion, but will keep it quiet, unlike his suit.

It’s judging time, and for some reason I’ve only just noticed that Lucy is wearing a piece of modern sculpture on her head. It’s sort of like a beanie, but also with antlers, but also the antlers have pom poms on them. It’s hard to concentrate on what the judges are saying really, because that hat is amazing.

Oh but the blue team won. George preferred the red team but as always George was wrong. Vern is not happy to be going into the elimination, and tells us so in a valuable use of five seconds of screen time.

Tune in tomorrow, when the red team will get lost on their way to elimination and live out their lives in a family of emus.