"IT'S Australian, so I'll give it half a star," said At The Movies' Margaret Pomeranz. "Entirely gluten-free," raved the Herald's Paul Byrnes.
Now here is your exclusive sneak preview of Australia: The Sports Movie Epic Spectacular .
Scene: Phar Lap's stable. There is a distant sound of a horse whinnying followed by a dull thud.
Tommy Woodcock (Jack Thompson): Crikey! Phar Lap's dead. It's the bloody Yanks. They've poisoned him in an attempt to suppress the tender but rebellious spirit of our young nation.
(Phar Lap's spirit leaves his body, does a couple of laps of Flemington, then ascends to horse heaven.) Tommy Woodcock: Strewth, this is a bloody tragedy. How will our country ever forge its own unique identity now that Phar Lap has been cruelly struck down in mysterious circumstances?
Enter Don Bradman (Jack Thompson): Don't worry, Tommy. My magnificent batsmanship will lift the spirits of a nation demoralised by the Depression and still uncertain about its identity despite the imminent invention of the Hills Hoist, the Victa lawnmower and our very own home-built motor vehicle.
Cue lavish scene in which kangaroos and emus wearing cricket gear re-enact The Don's 334 at Headingley to the tune of I Still Call Australia Home .
Scene: Posh room at Lord's.
Douglas Jardine (Cate Blanchett): Ha ha ha ha, unsophisticated colonials whose insecurity is barely concealed beneath a rough but admittedly manly and virile veneer. I have concocted a fiendish plot to stop this Don Bradman and ensure that you remain crushed beneath the imperial jackboot of the British Empire.
Jardine turns to Harbhajan Singh (Jack Thompson) and hands him a ball.
Jardine: My evil but admittedly historically inaccurate plan involves you bowling this ball to Bradman. Unknown to the antipodean fool, it contains a poison dart. Not only will it kill Bradman, but with your dark skin and that funny hat, you will be the best movie villain since Hannibal Lecter. Ha ha ha ha.
Scene: Old-fashioned commentary box.
Commentator 1 (Jack Thompson): And it's Singh bowling to Bradman. Oh dear, Australia's great batsman and Depression-era hero has been struck by a poison dart. Blimey, The Don is down!
Commentator 2 (Jack Thompson): Not only will this slow the Australian run chase, it's another devastating blow for a young country attempting to forge a unique cultural identity from its sunburnt pastures, rocky peaks and harsh terrain.
Scene: Hospital ward.
Bradman's wife (Bryan Brown): Please, The Don, don't die. This is my only scene in a three-hour epic and I'm worried I won't get a credit if you drop off the perch now.
Bradman: I have just one last dying request from this great young country still finding its voice on the international stage. Don't let any immigrants in unless they can recite my batting average. Uuurgghhh.
(The Don's spirit leaves his body, strokes a cover drive to the fence at the SCG and ascends to cricket heaven.) Mrs Bradman (shaking her fist at the sky): Damn you, Jardine! You might have killed The Don but you can't break our spirit. We will forge a nation born of unique Australian characteristics such as hard work and mateship that will be very real parts of our identity and not just cliched notions to be exploited by revisionist politicians and ambitious film directors!
Scene: Lionel Rose (Jack Thompson) is boxing a kangaroo that has a young Cathy Freeman (Bill Hunter) in its pouch.
Lionel Rose: Don't worry, Cath. The fact that Eddie Gilbert's on the cutting room floor and the Aboriginal bit is right near the end does not mean our heroic role in Australia's epic sporting tale will go untold.
Cathy Freeman: Yes, Lionel, but it's time to fix our bayonets. We must attack the Turks before dawn if we are to be killed pointlessly and thus help forge our young nation's identity while at the same time showing that, as indigenous Australians, were as one with the land.
Rose, Freeman, John Newcombe (Jack Thompson) and the 1965 St George team jump out of a trench and are gunned down in a withering hail of bullets.
Reg Gasnier (Jack Thompson): God bless you, Australia. You do have a unique cultural identity born of toil and struggle and mateship while maintaining your healthy anti-establishment streak. Uuurgghhhh.
(Gasnier's spirit leaves his body, lunges over the tryline at Kogarah, then ascends to league heaven.) Scene: Darwin, 1941. An All-Star Australian XI is assembled.
Shane Warne (Jack Thompson): It's too late, everyone. Luhrmann's already done the Japanese bombing thing. But I found an old beer coaster with Nicole Kidman's mobile number on it! What a great country this is with a ripper cultural identity. Good onya, Australia.
Roll credits.
rhinds@smh.com.au